Dating: Connection Inquiry
When entering a BDSM relationship one of the first things you should acknowledge is the amount of connection that you need to accomplish your goals. Expecting to find someone who matches what you are looking for without discussing it and negotiating it is incredibly unlikely.
The submissive ultimately needs to determine how much emotional support they need to be successful and on the flip side the Dominant needs to be forthcoming regarding how much time and emotional availability they have to provide this guidance. It is not uncommon in online dynamics for a Dominant to provide the submissive with a command or task and then disappear for a couple of days. This is a red flag within a BDSM relationship and demonstrates that the Dom does not understand the purpose of tasks nor the accountability required for follow through on them. One of the foundational components of a BDSM relationship is to establish deep and intimate connections, and these connections require consistency and regular participation. What is "regular" becomes up to those within the relationship itself.
So how do you communicate this with one another so that you both end up with the level of support you want? Start by asking yourself and your partner some questions.
Contact Frequency: Do you need daily contact? Maybe having a long chat once a week to establish goals is enough, or maybe this leaves you feeling non-compliant and distant. Most submissives want some type of daily check in or daily rule to keep the essence of the relationship present. This could be very something very simple, such as saying good morning. I tend to think that the submissive that is getting less than daily contact is starving for attention, they are getting just enough to sustain the relationship, but probably not enough to thrive within it.
Availability: How much time do you expect to spend on this relationship per week? Can you put a number on it? How many hours do you have free realistically per week?
Reminders: Do you require reminders for tasks? How dependent are you when it comes to this type of support. If you are given a task on a Monday to be completed by Friday, will you do it or do you need smaller time frames so you are less likely to forget?
Monitoring: Do you require someone to monitor on you? How often? This has such a wide range of responses from complete micromanagement to simpler check ins on mutual documents such as journals or logs.
Providing Evidence: Do you find fulfillment in displaying evidence? How about collecting it or seeing it? Photos and handing in assignments and showing this off is going to vary among practitioners.
Intimacy: How often are you having vanilla conversations? How much are you talking out of role? How much are you willing to share of your daily and personal life? People in this community often choose to be private about some of their daily activities, being on the same page here can be important for safety.
Frequency of Play: How often do you want to actually play, when are you free for long enough chunks of time to actually receive and experience challenges?
Debriefing: How often do you like to talk about the progress of your relationship? How often do you like to set goals? How important is it to you to discuss the aftermath of a scene or interaction? Although there are always standard recommendations to talk after everything, you'll find that not everyone wants to invest their free time into this component of relationship development. Interactions will always feel like they go smoother and are more balanced if both parties are contributing equal efforts. Rehashing what went well and what went poorly is a fundamental way to strengthening your communication and thus your connection.
Not all of these areas are going to be equally important, and some may not even be relevant for some dynamics. The purpose here really is to help you define for yourself what connection with someone else looks like, and how to engage in inquiry to ensure your connection needs can be met. The hope is always that your partner wants the same thing and wants to create a more open line of communication about connection with you so that the two of you can feel safe and satisfied within the container of your relationship.
