Dating: BDSM Origin Story and Inquiry

One of the best places to start exploring your partner and their sexuality is to hear and learn about their BDSM origin story. This is a place where you can really get swept up in the fantasies and experiences of your partner’s past while paving yourself a pathway to creatively designing their future. 

Let's look at some helpful questions to ask about your partner’s BDSM origin story or to help you think about discussing your own:

• Was it just a fantasy or was it a reality?

  • Did it originate from watching a movie or someone else's actions?

• How old were they?

• Who was it with?

• What role were they playing?

• Where did it occur?

• Was it a positive memory? Was it a traumatic memory?

  • What do they wish would have happened?

• Did it lead to more exploration at the time?

• Was the experience repeated other times? Or was there a draw to repeat it that went unfulfilled?

Now that you've been curious and diligent and asked your partner all of these questions, what do you do with the answers? These answers will bring you into the mind of your partner during the time of their first exploration. For some this could be the moment that drew them into the deep and intimate world that is BDSM or it could have been something very light and passing. Take some time to reflect on the answers you've gotten from your partner to better determine your next steps:

• How can I capitalize on the elements they didn't get to experience?

• How can I give them the repeated experience they want in a novel way?

  • Maybe in a new environment, new people, new props, combined with other scene elements

• How can you top their previous experience with one that is even more memorable?

• Are there any adjacent acts that I could introduce them to in order to broaden their horizons with consent ?

• Are there elements I should specifically avoid in the future because of their experience?

• Do I need to worry about triggers in the future because of their experience?

• Is there an element of innocence that can or can not be utilized in the future?

Ideally the answers to your own reflections will lead you to new dreams and fantasies that the two of you can explore together to make new and more fulfilling memories. It will allow you to see areas of overlap between your likes and dislikes and needs. It will allow you to bond over past and shared experiences making you more comfortable and intimate with each other. It is always a great starting point. For the more experienced player these reflections can be incredibly productive for scene development and submissive curriculum building.

If you find that you've participated in this reflection and feel excited by the information you've gathered but feel unsure where to go next, that is a great time to seek help through forums and coaching.  

Feel free to share your BDSM origin story here to connect to the community, you never know what you might find!

Happy Hunting.