Dating: Core Values
The first rule of dating is to know yourself. You've heard this before so it likely doesn't come as a surprise. If you don't know who you are and what you want you can never really find the person that fits with those things. It's like looking for a key when you don't know the type of lock that needs opening. You are randomly selecting keys from the pile based on how they shine and reaching them blindly into the dark towards the empty space of your keyhole. In BDSM there are way better uses for holes and for keys.
It can be confusing when you are starting out in BDSM to know what to ask for and what's important to communicate since you have another layer of needs on top of your vanilla life. The average dater needs to identify their base lifestyle needs but BDSM players need to match up play style and fetishes as well, adding a layer of complexity to the search. To see some of the important questions to ask a potential partner check out my previous post on submissive inquiry. When you have all of these factors about your wants and needs, your goals for work and for sex, your desires for a family, all swimming around in your head it can be difficult to put your best foot forward and it can be invaluable to break it down so you can figure out what you want first.
Typically we want someone we are dating to have the same core values as we do. If I value creativity in myself, I am likely to deem creativity important, and thus want to see it cultivated in my partner in one way or another. The way this trait manifests itself in the other person is not necessarily even important. It's important to recognize that changing someone else’s core values to meet yours is not a wise endeavor. Although core values do evolve over time it can be quite a hurdle if there are ones the two of you don't agree upon, such as loyalty.
The best place to start with this is by looking at your own core values. While the exercise of "Listing your Core Values" is a bit of a boring and a fairly traditional exercise in CBT therapy (the psychological therapy style, not the other meaning) it's not commonly thought of as being paired with BDSM. However, it is invaluable in this setting as well, and may even allow you to better identify your own role within the BDSM community itself. Try a version of the exercise here.
This can be a fun exercise to make your submissive complete for you as it will tell you a lot about them and also provide a lot of information on how to appeal to them as a person and in an argument. How to best implement that sounds like a fun discussion and will allow your dark mind to wander towards creating satisfaction and intrigue. If your goal as a Top is to control your submissive you must first identify how they work. These value lists will provide you with areas of strength in addition to areas of weakness that you can exploit. This opens a door so you can enter the complex world of emotional play and engage in power exchange.
Now that boring list is starting to sound fun.
